Of Bombs And Souls
by D-Tepes
Summary: Sequel to 'About That Bomb' and 'But He Has A Soul'... Xander deals with the fallout of being such a stud.


Of Bombs and Souls (1/1)  
  
Rating: Heavy R (Would lie and say NC-17 but ff.net has issues with that)! THE WORST ONE YET! (No graphic sex, just graphic sex talk, innuendo and what your imaginations will supply if you're anything like us.)  
  
Authors: Drake Tepes and Bastard Snow  
  
Disclaimer: Not ours. Joss's. Oh, and one belongs to George Lucas (gasp!)  
  
Authors Notes:  
  
Bastard Snow: Welcome back faithful readers. I'm back here, with a special surprise for you. Now, I know I shot Drake, like, three times in the last AN section, but guess what! He pulled a Buffy, and now he's back.  
  
Drake: Yes, it's written that the really annoying characters can come back from the dead. Who knew it applied to authors too?  
  
Bastard Snow: I did, although I hoped in your case it was a lie.  
  
Drake: Yeah, well, I'm back. And we wrote. And I forgive you for shooting me, because I'm planning an elaborate revenge.  
  
Bastard Snow: I assumed you were, and by the way, that *is* a pressure sensor under your toilet, a la Lethal Weapon.  
  
Drake: Dude, I'm a guy. I just stand back and aim... but damn, poor dog will get a shock next time he drinks outta the toilet.  
  
Bastard Snow: I... Anyway. Okay. What's your revenge?  
  
Drake: Let's not dwell on me. Oh, the revenge. Yes. Part one of my revenge is... this story. You're posting it, and this one is bad. Really bad. I'd apologize but I'm evil.  
  
Bastard Snow: You're not evil. You just play at evil. Martha Stewart, she's evil.  
  
Drake: That's a different kind of evil. My evil is more... fun. Like duct taping a cat to a friends inner thigh while they sleep.  
  
Bastard Snow: That's not evil, that's just sick.  
  
Drake: It was the cats' idea.  
  
Bastard Snow: You just keep believing that. Anyway, I believe we were introducing our latest story?  
  
Drake: Hey, the jurors believed me too. Oh, the story. This story is complete crap.  
  
Bastard Snow: It really is. The worst damn thing either of us has ever written, except that time Drake wrote Rollin'  
  
Drake: Hey, Rollin' got a cult following, and I think some of the girls were even legal in some states.  
  
Bastard Snow: How is it that you know at what age girls become legal in what states?  
  
Drake: Oh, when I was still a novice pervert an older pervert taught me some of the ways of Pervism. One such way was the website www.ageofconsent.com it comes in real handy. I mean, without it I wouldn't have known that the Olsen Twins were legal for a couple of years now, if they were in the right state.  
  
Bastard Snow: ... I fear you.  
  
Drake: Took you long enough. Anyway, I'll take you under my wing and teach my ways.  
  
Bastard Snow: No thanks, I don't think I want to touch your wing... or your anything else, for that matter.  
  
Drake: Hey, I'll have you know I don't swing that way...  
  
Bastard Snow: Unlike our dear... no, I won't spoil the fic like that.  
  
Drake: The fic is already spoiled, it went bad. Someone forgot to put it in the crisper bin.  
  
Bastard Snow: I meant I wasn't going to give away the secrets of it, idiot.  
  
Drake: Who's more idiotic, the idiot or the idiot who writes with the idiot. Wait, I forgot, which one am I in that...  
  
Bastard Snow: I think you're both.  
  
Drake: You're just as bad. Come on, what self respecting fan would dare be a B/X fan? ... ... Oh shit, this is for XZ and I'm surrounded by them... Um, just kidding?  
  
Bastard Snow: I'm not just a B/X fan though. You'll notice the only fic I've posted is W/X and I wrote damn near all the W/X lines in both this and About That Bomb.  
  
Drake: That's because I was busy writing almost everything else.  
  
Bastard Snow: Right. We basically wrote this because you people seem to love our fics, and well, we're getting really big ego's. Last night I hopped in my jet, went to NY and was rockin' the Cris and flashin the bling. I don't even know what that means, but I'm told I was doing it. All because of you fine folks here at the XanderZone.  
  
Drake: While he partied I tried to pick up chicks online by saying "Hey, I co-wrote that." It didn't turn out well... Dammit, if you say you're a girl be a girl dammit!  
  
Bastard Snow: And this is what, the 8th time that's happened? Learn your lesson, man.  
  
Drake: I keep hoping that some day the females who like me will be females. And human females at that... I did not enjoy my time as that sasquatchs' love slave... kept getting hairs stuck in my teeth, though I hear that happens with human women as well.  
  
Bastard Snow: That's right folks, I didn't read that either. I'm repressing, just like the residents of Sunnydale. Repression good. Knowledge bad.  
  
Drake: Wanna beer?  
  
Bastard Snow: Not since that incident with the transves-- um. No thanks.  
  
Drake: It's okay, I kicked his ass for you man. And from now on we'll stay away from anyplace called the "Cloud Nine Bar And Grill".  
  
Bastard Snow: So the point, here, folks, is "Buy American."  
  
Drake: You promoting marriage again?  
  
Bastard Snow: No, just wanton consumerism.  
  
Drake: Ah. But why buy when you can get the milk free?  
  
Bastard Snow: Because milk isn't free, dipshit. Can we get back to the story?  
  
Drake: The story disturbs me. And there's no way I can show it to my family. Hell, maybe not my friends either. That makes me proud.  
  
Bastard Snow: Riiiight. Okay. So here's the deal, folks. This is called Of Bombs and Souls. It's the first in a series, which we will no doubt think of a name for eventually, but right now we're kind of calling it 'that crossover thing we're doing.'  
  
Drake: I thought we were calling it Marvin.  
  
Bastard Snow: No, YOU were calling it Marvin, and I said that if you call it Marvin, I'm going to beat you over the head with a tire iron.  
  
Drake: Just asking. Anyway, this story sucks. You've been warned. Also, this story, as said, is actually the PROLOGUE, kinda, to the crossover series. Which I originally thought up.  
  
Bastard Snow: That's true. You also thought up Xander getting pounded in the ass by a bunch of girls.  
  
Drake: You're spoiling it for the readers! Besides, what's good for the goose is good for the Xander... hehe, see that clever wordplay?  
  
Bastard Snow: I'm laughing. Really. I swear. Okay, I think we've taken up enough of their time with this crap, don't you?  
  
Drake: I don't know. Maybe we should throw ourselves at their mercy before we sign off?  
  
Bastard Snow: I suppose. Okay, here we go. Oh faithful readers, we pledge to thee that this is the worst fic we have ever done, and we shall attempt to be better, but knowing us we probably won't be.  
  
Drake: Ditto for me.  
  
Bastard Snow: 'Ditto for me'? You really are useless, don't you want to add on to this?  
  
Drake: Fine fine, I'll add to it. Dear readers, we love ya baby. And I promise to attempt to keep the Xander sodomy to a minimum in future parts. Athough I don't see what the problem is, we all laughed when Michelle shoved a trumpet up Jim's ass... And Xander seemed to enjoy it, so really, what's the problem I just don't *mouth is quickly covered*  
  
Bastard Snow: Um. I'll just stop this now. Enjoy the fic, folks, and please give us feedback, because we're feedback whores, and love having our ego's... among other things... stroked.  
  
Drake: *breaks free from the hand covering his mouth* IF ANY OF YOU ARE SINGLE LADIES OF LEGAL AGE PLEASE CONTACT ME AT *knocked unconscious*  
  
Bastard Snow: Sorry about that. Ignore him. Okay, so without further disturbing ado, here, we present... Of Bombs and Souls.  
  
Bastard Snow: I wonder if I can kill him again for some peace and quiet....  
  
Since ff.net doesn't want AN's to be separate entities any longer *coughbuggerthemcough* we just put the AN's up top here. Read and enjoy, and if you don't it was all Mark's fault.  
  
- - - -  
  
Interior: Hyperion Hotel. Day.  
  
Xander walks down the main stairs of the Hyperion Hotel, to rousing applause from the four men gathered on the main level.  
  
Xander: "Thank you, thank you, and even another thank you for not killing me for doing your women."  
  
Gunn: "Oh we're pissed... we're just also impressed."  
  
Xander: "As long as that keeps you from beating my ass, I'm fine with it. Because Faith beat my ass enough last night."  
  
Angel: "That was really more than I needed to know."  
  
Xander: "I returned the favor too. But more than you need to know would be telling you what happened to Cordy's ass and why Willow won't be able to type for awhile."  
  
Wes (to Gunn): "At least he said nothing about Fred."  
  
Lorne (having heard this): "So, Xander, what about Fred?"  
  
Xander: "Wouldn't know where to start on that one... It's always the shy ones, who knew she could tickle a prostate like that?"  
  
Gunn: "Well actually..."  
  
Xander: "As I said, you're a lucky man. And I'm very glad no one's kicking my ass."  
  
Buffy (entering the hotel): "Not yet, anyway."  
  
Buffy was followed in by Andrew, Dawn, Molly, Kennedy, Rona, Chao-Ahn, Spike and Anya.  
  
Xander: "Aw crap, I mean, hi Buffy... What brings you here?"  
  
Kennedy stomps over to him and punches him in the nose  
  
Xander: "Okay, ow. What was that for!?"  
  
Kennedy: "For screwing my girlfriend?"  
  
Connor: "Her girlfriend?"  
  
Gunn: "Fuck, he woke up."  
  
Xander: "Yeah, okay, I can... wait, how did you know about that?"  
  
Buffy (seeing Connor): "So, Angel, is that your son?"  
  
Andrew: "Well, Jonathan, when we were evil, found a live feed of webcams from the   
  
hotel, set up by some lawyers, and I was just checking to make sure you were okay... you   
  
and Willow I mean, and we saw it all and I just have to say you're like Hercules and my hero."  
  
Angel: "There are cameras here? No wonder they always knew what I was doing. Oh, and yes, he's my son. Technically."  
  
Connor: "Technically?"  
  
Buffy: "Technically?"  
  
Angel: "As in, I'm his father, but I didn't raise him."  
  
Xander: "Doesn't much like him, either. He's still Deadboy, Jr. though."  
  
Connor: "Don't call me that!"  
  
Spike: "Didn't you used to call me that?"  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "Why did I have to come along? What is that funny looking creature and what are you all talking about?"  
  
Xander: "Yeah, but he's more of a literal Deadboy Jr. I think you're Peroxide Boy now."  
  
Buffy: "Don't insult my Spike."  
  
Angel: "Your Spike?"  
  
Wes: (translated) "He's Lorne an anagogic demon, but I don't know why you were brought along. As for them, the one with hair gel is trying to distance himself from his progeny."  
  
Spike: "Your Spike?"  
  
Buffy (to Spike): "Well, aren't you?"  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "You can understand me! No one's been able too, they're all insane."  
  
Spike: "Not any more. Stupid bint."  
  
Wes (translated): "I've known them previously, I quite know what you mean."  
  
Rona (to Gunn): "Hey."  
  
Gunn (to Rona): "Hey."  
  
Rona (to Gunn): "You token too?"  
  
Gunn (to Rona): "Yeah."  
  
Rona (to Gunn): "Cool."  
  
Gunn nods.  
  
Kennedy: "She's not your Willow either, she's mine, understand!?"  
  
Xander looks at Kennedy and laughs  
  
Xander: "She was all mine last night, well, not all, I shared her with Cordy and Faith and Fred..."  
  
Dawn: "We know, we saw that, too."  
  
Xander: "Um... you... saw?"  
  
Molly: "And I know you like me... So Xander, just how much DO you like me?"  
  
Andrew: "There's a camera in that room, too."  
  
Xander: "Well, I..."  
  
Dawn: "And how about me?"  
  
Molly: "I got Andrew to record it, you planning to make a sequel to that video?"  
  
Xander: "Well I..."  
  
Buffy: "Dawn, get away from him!"  
  
Anya: "Yes, I too would like to know your continued level of sexual interest in me."  
  
Spike: "Sod off, Slayer, nobody cares what you think."  
  
Buffy: "What is wrong with everyone, this is Xander! No one wants to sleep with him   
  
unless to kill him."  
  
Angel: "Wait, I might care what she thinks."  
  
Spike: "She slept with me."  
  
Angel: "Right then. Fuck 'er."  
  
Spike: "Already did, Peaches."  
  
Connor: "Fuck who?"  
  
Gunn smacks Connor  
  
Faith comes down stairs  
  
Faith: "Well, well, gangs all here I see. So when's the next orgy?"  
  
Dawn and Molly: "Soon I hope."  
  
Andrew: "And can I join?"  
  
Faith: "Think you could keep up?"  
  
Andrew: "I'm willing to die trying."  
  
Faith: "Sounds like a plan."  
  
Dawn: "Well, if you die then Buffy will sleep with you."  
  
Buffy: "Dawn!"  
  
Andrew: "Ew, no."  
  
Buffy: "Hey!"  
  
Molly: "Is the 'ew' over you being dead, or it being Buffy?"  
  
Andrew: "I'll answer when someone is between me and Buffy to protect me."  
  
Spike moves between Buffy and Andrew  
  
Andrew: "It's because it was Buffy then."  
  
Dawn: "Damn, even geeks don't want to do Buffy."  
  
Willow walks downstairs wearing a sheet.  
  
Buffy tries to attack Andrew but Spike stops her  
  
Buffy: "Spike, you have a soul now, let me past!"  
  
Willow: "K-Kennedy! What are you doing here?"  
  
Spike punches Buffy in the face  
  
Spike: "Stop harping on that!"  
  
Kennedy: "I saw you having sex with everyone but me, but you're mine!"  
  
Spike (muttering): stupid bint...  
  
Willow: "I'm not yours', I'm his. And last night I was community property."  
  
Faith: "We all were... it was a nice community to be in."  
  
Gunn: "Looks like a community I'd like to move into."  
  
Wes: "Wouldn't mind taking up residence there."  
  
Dawn and Molly: "We're moving into Xander's house there. Soon."  
  
Chao-Ahn: (Translated) "What's going on now?"  
  
Wes (translated): "We're all planning group sex."  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "While they plan, would you like to actually do something?"  
  
Connor: "Wait, what community are you talking about?"  
  
Wes: (translated) "What do you have in mind?"  
  
Gunn smacks Connor again  
  
Connor: "Why do you keep doing that?"  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "I haven't gotten any since coming to this country and no one understands when I ask for it, you understand, I'm asking. Wanna fuck?"  
  
Wes: (translated) "Let's go."  
  
Wes: (in English to the group) "I'll be in my bunk… er, I'm taking Chao-Ahn to see some... books, yeah, and research."  
  
Angel: "You call fucking research?"  
  
Wes pales  
  
Wes: "You... understood?"  
  
Angel: "I'm 247 years old, I picked up some languages."  
  
Wes: "Oh, well... Sod off, I'm going to get laid."  
  
Wes and Chao-Ahn leave  
  
Willow (to Kennedy): "I've been meaning to tell you something."  
  
Kennedy: "What?"  
  
Faith: "So Wes is going to get some, and it isn't evil or meek... 'bout time."  
  
Willow: "You suck as a lesbian, and I don't really like you. You're more of a convenience than anything else. That's over now."  
  
Kennedy: "I... I thought you loved me!"  
  
Willow: "Eh."  
  
Faith: "She loved an animated sex toy."  
  
Xander: "If she had a better vibrator I doubt you'd have had a chance at what you got."  
  
Kennedy runs off to a corner of the hotel to cry.  
  
Willow: "Oh, a vibrator! I never thought of that."  
  
Xander (grinning): "That's my Wills, a genius who is stupid. Wanna use me instead?"  
  
Faith: "She can get in line, I call next."  
  
Dawn: "Hey, I haven't had a turn yet!"  
  
Molly: "Me either, Dawn and I should be next. At the same time."  
  
Andrew: "Can I join in?"  
  
Odd looks at Andrew  
  
Xander: "Um... no."  
  
Andrew: "I mean, I wouldn't touch you or anything, unless you wanted, and I could film it or..."  
  
Xander: "Fine, film it, but no joining in the fun."  
  
Buffy: "Xander! You cannot have sex with my sister!"  
  
Dawn: "Andrew, maybe you and I can play when Xander's busy."  
  
Molly: "Ah, I'll go in with it, geeks usually are good in bed."  
  
Spike: "I think that's niblet's decision, not yours. She's already waited longer than you."  
  
Anya: "Yes, Xander was a geek, and he excels at pleasuring women."  
  
Willow: "I'll say he does. Oh, man, that thing with his tongue..."  
  
Angel: "Spike has a good point, I nailed you younger than Dawn is."  
  
Buffy: "Angel, how can you say that, you have a soul now."  
  
Connor: "What's nailed?"  
  
Buffy: "Dawn's three!"  
  
Gunn smacks Connor again  
  
Angel: "Hey, just because I have a soul doesn't mean I'm going to lie."  
  
Molly: "Not many three year olds have racks that good."  
  
Xander: "Yeah, she's got the body of a 19 year old."  
  
Willow: "Definitely a better rack than her sister."  
  
Buffy: "Molly! Xander! Willow!"  
  
Faith: "Sister don't really have a rack to speak of."  
  
Spike: "No, it's there, you just have to search a little."  
  
Connor: "Rack?"  
  
Faith: "I wore her body for awhile, let me tell you, no tits. And the cooch on her is just pathetic."  
  
Gunn punches Connor right in the jaw, knocking him to the ground."  
  
Gunn: "And stay down!"  
  
Connor: "Why do you keep hitting me?"  
  
Buffy goes and helps Connor up  
  
Buffy: "Angel are you going to let him keep hitting your son?"  
  
Gunn: "Because you're stupid!"  
  
Angel: "I was planning on it."  
  
Buffy: "But you have a soul!"  
  
Spike and Angel: "Get over it!"  
  
Dawn: "So, Xander, when can we take a romp?"  
  
Buffy: "There will be no romping!"  
  
Xander: "Not yet, I'm still a little tired from last night."  
  
Willow: "Well, can we hear about that bomb now?"  
  
Molly: "Not even if it's both of us?"  
  
Xander: "Let the bomb wait, I think Wes wanted to hear about it."  
  
Angel: "We can fill Wesley in on it later."  
  
Cordy comes down stairs in a robe  
  
Xander: "Not even for the both of you."  
  
Cordy: "What's everyone doing here?"  
  
Anya: "Not for two girls? You must be tired."  
  
Xander: "Let me drink some orange juice and rest a few minutes, then I'll be ready to please you all."  
  
Anya: "Me too?"  
  
Faith: "Can I get seconds?"  
  
Willow: "Same here, I could go for more."  
  
Xander: "Sure, but again with the resting first."  
  
Cordy: "Don't even think of excluding me."  
  
Spike: (to Angel) "Is his dick some kind of narcotic?"  
  
Anya: "Well, I could never get enough of it."  
  
Angel: "I remember this girl with beer flavored nipples..."  
  
Buffy: "Angel, but, I thought I was your only..."  
  
Everyone except Buffy and Connor laugh  
  
Connor: "Only what?"  
  
Gunn hits Connor with a baseball bat that magically appears in his hands.  
  
Gunn: "I said stay down, bitch!"  
  
Buffy takes the baseball bat away and hits Gunn with a punch  
  
Lorne: "So, babyface, are we gonna hear this story or what?"  
  
Buffy: "Don't hit him."  
  
Faith walks over and punches Buffy  
  
Gunn: "Rodney King! Rodney King!"  
  
Rona: "You really think that's going to work?"  
  
Gunn: "Worth a shot."  
  
Faith: "You haven't been around the kid long enough... trust me, he needs the hits."  
  
Buffy glares  
  
Faith snorts and walks back to Xander  
  
Buffy: "And how is it you have a kid almost my age anyway Angel?"  
  
Angel: "I told you, I didn't raise him. He grew up in a demon dimension called Qor-Toth."  
  
Buffy: "Then when was he born?"  
  
Spike: "By the way, thanks for telling me I have an uncle, poof."  
  
Angel: "Last year. And Spike, how was I to know you cared? Or weren't evil? Besides, it's not like I'm going to send you the family newsletter."  
  
Connor: "There's a newsletter?"  
  
Xander throws Gunn another baseball bat. Buffy intercepts the bat and glares at Xander. Angel backhands Connor. Gunn laughs. Buffy sees Connor on the ground  
  
Buffy: "What happened? Who hit him?"  
  
Angel: "Not me, I have a soul."  
  
Spike falls on the floor laughing  
  
Everybody starts to chuckle as well  
  
Buffy: "Well... good. What's so funny?"  
  
Angel: "Nothing, Buffy."  
  
Xander: "You know, when she opens her mouth I think she's a real blonde."  
  
Spike and Angel: "The carpet doesn't match the drapes."  
  
Buffy: "Spike! Angel! I told you never to tell anybody!"  
  
Connor (from floor): "What carpet? What drapes?"  
  
Fred walks downstairs as Xander moves to throw Gunn a weapon. Spike kicks Connor while Buffy isn't looking   
  
Connor: "OW!"  
  
Buffy whips around  
  
Buffy: "Now who hit him??"  
  
Spike: "Not me, I have a nice effulgent soul."  
  
Angel snickers  
  
Angel: "Effulgent, Spike? Practicing poetry again?"  
  
Buffy smacks Gunn  
  
Gunn: "It wasn't me!"  
  
Spike: "At least I'm not practicing being a bloody poofter."  
  
Angel: "I'm quite straight thank you."  
  
Rona: "Always pickin' on the brother-man."  
  
Spike: "In those leather pants?"  
  
Cordy: "I always wondered about those."  
  
Gunn: "Damn white chicks... one leaves me and the other beats me."  
  
Angel: "Leather pants are a fashion statement.  
  
Fred: "I haven't left you... I've just... joined someone else."  
  
Spike: "Yes, if you're a nancy-boy."  
  
Andrew: "And what's with all the hair gel?"  
  
Angel: "Do I even know you?"  
  
Andrew: "No, I'm just a fan. I wish I could pull off leather pants like that."  
  
Willow: "He's the one I didn't kill last year."  
  
Angel: "You want to pull off my pants?"  
  
Xander: "Wouldn't put it past him."  
  
Andrew: "Yes, I mean no, no, I want to be able to wear them."  
  
Angel: "And why is it you didn't kill him?"  
  
Kennedy: "Is there something wrong with Andrew being gay?"  
  
Andrew: "'Cause I'm good now."  
  
Xander: "Not at all. But why do you care?"  
  
Spike: "At least Andrew is gay, unlike you pretender."  
  
Andrew (whining): "And I'm not gay! I just... admire other men, sometimes, because I'm weak."  
  
Spike: "Weak is it?  
  
Molly: "Would you like to prove you're not gay, Andrew? Because I'm up for it."  
  
Connor: (having gotten up) "Gay?"  
  
Andrew: "Um... no, I'll wait. Thanks."  
  
Dawn: "Not even for me Andrew?"  
  
Willow mutters a spell that knocks Connor across the lobby  
  
Buffy: "Hey, what happened to Connor?"  
  
Lorne: "He just kind of does that sometimes  
  
Andrew: "Um, er, later Dawn... maybe when I'm video taping?"  
  
Buffy: (to Lorne) "And who or what are you? Shouldn't I be killing you, you're a   
  
demon."  
  
Dawn: "But then you'd miss your chance to fuck him."  
  
Buffy: "Dawn! Watch your language."  
  
Lorne: "I'm a good demon, sweetcheeks. I read people's destiny by watching them sing."  
  
Molly: "So see Buffy, you don't have to kill him, you can sleep with him freely."  
  
Lorne: "Um, no, thanks anyway, she's definitely not my type... and I'm alive."  
  
Anya: "Wow. It would have been nice if you'd been around when we were all in that musical. Then you could have told Xander he wouldn't marry me, and saved everybody a lot of heartache."  
  
Xander: "Yeah, still sorry about that one, Ahn."  
  
Anya: "You can make it up by giving me many orgasms and letting me rent out your sexual talents."  
  
Xander: "Can I get a cut of the profits?"  
  
Dawn and Molly: "I'm the first client!"  
  
Willow: "And I get freebies, because he belongs to me anyway."  
  
Kennedy: "Hey! I thought you were with me!"  
  
Xander: "No charging our friends though, okay Ahn?"  
  
Anya: "That will take away the profits, but if it keeps the orgasm maker happy then okay."  
  
Willow: "Not anymore. Why don't you go try to have some fun with Connor?"  
  
Kennedy: "Ew, he has a penis!"  
  
Willow: "Like you care."  
  
Connor: (looking around) "I have a penis?"  
  
Cordy: "Not much of one, but yes."  
  
Buffy: "I bet you have a fine penis."  
  
Kennedy: "I don't like penises."  
  
Connor: "Thank you, who are you?"  
  
Cordy: "About eighteen times smaller than Xander's..."  
  
Buffy: "I'm Buffy."  
  
Connor: "Didn't you die?"  
  
Buffy: "I got better."  
  
Spike: "Wasn't permanent unfortunately."  
  
Angel: "You'd think one of the two times she died she'd stay dead."  
  
Spike: "Three times."  
  
Angel: "Three? She died again?"  
  
Spike: "Yeah, a bit ago, I snapped her neck for all that 'soul' shit. But she came back."  
  
Angel: "Too bad."  
  
Spike: "I know."  
  
Buffy: "So, Connor, are you seeing anyone?"  
  
Xander: "Spike, you killed her?"  
  
Spike: "Yes, Whelp. What's it to you?"  
  
Willow: "Well, she's still kind of our best friend."  
  
Spike: "And? She's alive, no harm no foul."  
  
Xander: "An excellent point. I should stake you, but I think I'm proud of you."  
  
Spike: "I tried to stake myself first if it helps, but I came back. She just wouldn't stop harping about the soul."  
  
Angel: "You staked yourself and came back? How did that happen? You're like  
  
like Darla now."  
  
Dawn: "He just poofed... and depoofed."  
  
Spike: "I think I pissed off the Noxon demon."  
  
Angel and Lorne cringe  
  
Angel: (shuddering) "I hate those Noxon demon bitches."  
  
Lorne: "Yeah. Ugly whores, too. No self respecting demon will deal with those... things."  
  
Connor: "What's a Noxon demon?"  
  
Fred: "Damn, he actually asked a good question."  
  
Gunn: "I still want to hit him."  
  
Xander: "So hit him."  
  
Buffy: "Xander!"  
  
Rona: "Watch it, you can't hit a white kid too often and not get killed."  
  
Rona hits Connor while Buffy's back is turned  
  
Connor: "Ow!"  
  
Buffy flips around and smacks Gunn  
  
Angel: "A Noxon is this demon that takes good ideas that people have and ruins them completely."  
  
Gunn: "Hey, again, wasn't me!"  
  
Xander: "That's our Buffy, act first, then don't ever ask questions."  
  
Spike: "Totally destroys any integrity and goodness in the idea."  
  
Lorne: "And they smell bad."  
  
Fred punches Buffy with little effect  
  
Fred: "That's my boyfriend, or he was, and the hit didn't hurt you and please don't kill me."  
  
Faith: "No, no. Like this."  
  
Faith punches Buffy and sends her across the room.  
  
Fred: "Thank you Faith... and thank you for last night too."  
  
Faith: "My pleasure, on both accounts."  
  
Angel: "Okay. That bomb now."  
  
Fred: "Where's Wesley? Didn't he want to hear about the bomb?"  
  
Buffy (sitting next to Connor): "But I thought they had souls."  
  
Xander: "Wes is off getting laid, so I'd rather wait for him to return."  
  
Fred: "Wes it WHAT?!"  
  
Gunn: "Yeah, some Asian chick."  
  
Angel: "Who thinks we're all insane, by the way."  
  
Lorne: "Wes left with the Asian token minority girl, they were going to go have sex."  
  
Rona: "You know, if I could understand her, we could bond about that."  
  
Dawn (to Xander): "Have you rested enough yet?"  
  
Gunn: "We could bond, I think Fred is hung up on Wesley, and Xander."  
  
Fred: "No, you're mine too."  
  
Xander: "Not yet, Dawnie, but you'll be the first to know."  
  
Molly: "And me?"  
  
Xander: "I'm sure I can handle you all."  
  
Willow: "And he's GOOD with his hands."  
  
Kennedy: "Hey!"  
  
All the girls except Buffy and Kennedy and Rona: "All of us?"  
  
Xander: "Well, all of you at once might be a little much."  
  
Gunn: "I'd like to offer my services to help you with them."  
  
Rona: "Gunn, wouldn't you rather help me? You're the first black guy I've seen in awhile, shouldn't we promote some black on black lovin'?"  
  
Xander: "You know, I won't be ready for a while, they'll still be here when you two are done."  
  
Gunn and Rona look at each other then run upstairs.  
  
Fred: "But he's mine!"  
  
Door slams upstairs  
  
Willow: "You can be mine if you want."  
  
Xander: "Hey, he let you have fun. Fair's fair."  
  
Fred: "Well, okay, he can have his fun."  
  
Xander: "And I thought you were mine, Wills."  
  
Willow: "I am... but what's wrong with having more than one?"  
  
Xander: "Good point. Anybody want to be my second?"  
  
Dawn: "Me!"  
  
Molly: "M-- damn. Too late."  
  
Buffy: "Dawn, you are not going to be anyone's!"  
  
Spike: "Oh shut up. She can be with whoever you want. Least her first'll be human.   
  
Sorry, Sire."  
  
Xander: "Molly, I'll take you on too. And Faith. And... well, there's enough of me to go around, just clear it with Willow."  
  
Willow: "If you're going to be one of Xander's you have to be one of mine too."  
  
Angel: "No, it's fair. Not the best choice on her part."  
  
Dawn, Molly, Faith, Fred, Cordy: "Okay!"  
  
Anya: "And you all must pay me money."  
  
Xander: "No charging them Anya, but you can be in it too."  
  
Anya: "And have multiple orgasms?"  
  
Willow: "That means Anya's mine too? Ohhh she'll be a fun little puppy."  
  
Xander: "Have I ever failed you yet Ahn?"  
  
Connor: "Puppy?"  
  
Buffy stands between Connor and everyone else  
  
Buffy: "No one even think of trying to hit him!"  
  
Spike: "Like the mini-poof's even worth it anymore."  
  
Angel: "I'm disturbed by her protectiveness of my son."  
  
Spike: "I think it's transference, mate. She wanted your spawn, so she's gonna adopt him. Prolly shag 'im too. Likes to keep it in the family, that one does."  
  
Angel: "I weep for my grandchildren."  
  
Dawn: "At least it's your family, not mine. That would be gross."  
  
Molly: "She'll probably fuck your nephew if she has one."  
  
Wes and Chao-Ahn come back, sweaty and tired.  
  
Fred growls at Chao-Ahn  
  
Andrew: "Oh, look, the love-making ones have returned!"  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "Why is the meek one growling at me?"  
  
Wes: (translated) "She's possessive even though I'm not really hers."  
  
Willow (to Fred): "He just had some fun, too."  
  
Willow pats Fred's ass.  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "I'm willing to share you if I can be there."  
  
Wes: (translated) "I'll mention it to her later..."  
  
Wes: "So, what've we missed?"  
  
Angel: "Not much, but now that you're back, Xander can tell us about the bomb."  
  
Xander: "Oh, what about the bomb? It didn't go off, so what else is there to know?"  
  
Buffy: "I still don't believe he ever did anything with a bomb."  
  
Willow (with Resolve Face): "Xander..."  
  
Spike: "But she believes that a soul makes a person good."  
  
Dawn (with puppy eyes): "Please, Xander?"  
  
Xander: "Oh, the bomb... But shouldn't we wait on Gunn? It'd be rude to start without him."  
  
Angel: "Why're you stalling?"  
  
Xander: "I'm not stalling, I just don't want to have to retell the story."  
  
Spike: "Makes sense. Someone go get the shagging token minorities, I'm getting curious."  
  
Xander: "No. no, don't interrupt the booty call. It's rude."  
  
Willow: "Also whoever goes up will probably just join them."  
  
Fred: "I'll go."  
  
Andrew: "Or film them."  
  
Odd looks at Andrew  
  
Andrew: "I like to record things! For posterity!"  
  
Angel: "There is something seriously wrong about that boy."  
  
Andrew: "There's nothing wrong with me, I just admire what I see."  
  
Fred: "So you're bisexual?"  
  
Andrew: "What? No, I've never had sex either way so... Damn, any chance you could forget what I just said?"  
  
Connor: "Bisexual?"  
  
Dawn: "So you're a virgin too?"  
  
Buffy: "Connor, bisexual means somebody who enjoys sex with men and women."  
  
Molly: "Xander can you take a raincheck on us, I think I'd like to pop them both at once."  
  
Connor: "You're nice. You explain things and don't hit me."  
  
Dawn: "No, I want Xander to be my first."  
  
Molly bats her eyes and gets a good hold on Dawn's ass  
  
Molly: "You sure on that? Xander might ruin you for all others."  
  
Dawn: "Yes. But you can definitely be second."  
  
Anya: "Well, he won't ruin you, but you'll definitely want more. I'm willing to take away Andrew's innocence. He's a very big geek and big geeks often give big orgasms."  
  
Xander: "Dawnie, you really want me to be your first?"  
  
Buffy: "No one is having a first!"  
  
Dawn jumps into his lap and grinds into his crotch.  
  
Buffy: "Dawn get out of his lap!"  
  
Xander (grunts): "So, that's a yes, then."  
  
Angel: "I think she's ignoring you."  
  
Faith: "Someone better be ready to fuck me soon, all this talk is getting me worked up."  
  
Cordy: "Same here, it's like they forgot about us."  
  
Faith: (muttering softly) "Damn authors are using too many characters."  
  
Cordy: "What?"  
  
Faith: "Nothing."  
  
Dawn and Xander go up to a room  
  
A door slams.  
  
Dawn (from offscreen): "OH MY GOD!"  
  
Buffy: "DAWN!"  
  
Molly: "Um... I remembered I left something upstairs."  
  
Buffy rushes toward the stairs. Molly runs up to the room.  
  
Faith and Cordy tackle Buffy  
  
Connor: "Has she even been upstairs?"  
  
Angel: (to Wes and pointing at Buffy, Cordy and Faith on the floor) "Isn't that how it started yesterday?"  
  
Spike: "You've gotta let the 'bit go, pet. She's grown up enough to make her own choices,   
  
and Droopy's not gonna hurt her."  
  
Willow: "Yeah, he'll be really gentle."  
  
Fred: "Until he gets worked up."  
  
Molly (from offscreen): "Holy shit!"  
  
Faith: "He'll give her the kind of fucking every girl should have her first time... slow then hammering."  
  
Buffy: "How can he take her virginity? He has a soul!"  
  
Cordy: "He's quite good at it, so just let Dawn become a woman."  
  
Faith punches Buffy in the face.  
  
Spike goes over and kicks Buffy in the ass  
  
Angel goes and gives Buffy a boot to the head  
  
Andrew goes over and thinks better of it and walks away to safety  
  
Buffy: "But, you have souls, so why are you letting him do that?!"  
  
Angel: "I actually think I'm the only one here who can lose their soul without selling it."  
  
Faith: "'Cause your sis wants laid, and no one is better at it than X."  
  
Cordy: "That's for damn sure."  
  
Faith: "It'll all be five by five."  
  
Willow: "I keep meaning to ask. Five what by five what?"  
  
Anya: "I measured it at 5x13."  
  
Faith: "Oh it's... um. just a thing I say."  
  
Fred: "Didn't I get five by five last night?"  
  
Spike: "5x13? Bleeding hell, how does he stay conscious?"  
  
Cordy: "That was five by five and up to the wrist."  
  
Angel: "That's what I'd like to know."  
  
Faith: "The question you should be asking is how did WE stay conscious."  
  
Fred: "I didn't for a minute there."  
  
Willow: "Is that why your hand stopped? I thought you were just tired."  
  
Gunn and Rona come back down stairs and see the pile of people restraining Buffy and Xander, Dawn and Molly nowhere in site  
  
Gunn: "I guess that's where the moans were coming from."  
  
Rona: "Lucky girls."  
  
Gunn takes the chance to kick Buffy while she's restrained  
  
Willow (to Rona): "I'm sure you can have your chance with him."  
  
Anya: "Can I charge her?"  
  
Rona: "I hope so. And I'm willing to pay."  
  
Andrew: "Wait, didn't Xander say I could film this?"  
  
Willow: "You can charge the potentials, 'cept Molly 'cause he likes her."  
  
Fred: "I think he did say you could."  
  
Andrew grabs his camera and runs upstairs.  
  
Buffy: "Stop him!"  
  
Buffy: "Great, now my sister will be in porno  
  
Anya: "Do you think we can sell that, too?"  
  
Connor: (regaining consciousness) "What's a porno?"  
  
Willow: "I think Xander would be upset if you sold the tapes."  
  
Buffy: "NOBODY TOUCH HIM!"  
  
Spike: "Okay, we won't touch him."  
  
Spike throws a baseball bat and hits Connor in the head knocking him out  
  
Angel: "Your aim's improved."  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "They all have her pinned to the ground, are they going to gang bang her?"  
  
Anya: (translated) "You gave me a good idea."  
  
Wes: (to Anya) "You know her language."  
  
Anya: "Hello, ex-vengeance demon, I didn't just have English speaking clients."  
  
Wes: (translated) "I don't think so, no one here really wants to have sex with her."  
  
Buffy: "Stop talking about me! I can hear you!"  
  
Anya: "Why don't you all have sex with Buffy now and we video tape it?"  
  
Everyone: "NO!"  
  
Connor wakes up  
  
Anya: "But we can sell the tape, and make lots of money, and I can give you all discounts on Xander."  
  
Connor: "What's going on?"  
  
Cordy: "I know, we have Connor do it."  
  
Buffy: "Does he have a soul?"  
  
Faith punches her  
  
Faith: "Yes."  
  
Cordy: "Plus he's not completely human, you like that."  
  
Willow: "He's Deadboy Jr."  
  
Buffy: "Oh, okay..."  
  
Kennedy (who has been crying in the corner for a long time): "Can I join in?"  
  
Buffy: "No, you're still a bad lesbian."  
  
Willow: "No, let her. Maybe she'll get over her fixation on me."  
  
Buffy: (whines) "But I don't wanna..."  
  
Connor: "So, am I going to be doing to Buffy the same thing I did to Cordelia?"  
  
Cordy: "Yes, and probably with the same out come. No boom."  
  
Buffy: "I'm sure he'll be great, Cordy's just frigid."  
  
Willow: "No, Cordy's pretty damn hot."  
  
Faith: "And her tongue work ain't bad."  
  
Fred: "I'd have never expected."  
  
Buffy: "Okay! Enough with the scary imagery."  
  
Gunn: "Didn't someone say that last nights stuff was taped too? I could do with a copy of it."  
  
Connor: "What am I doing to who?"  
  
Angel: "Yeah, I think that Andrew kid has the tapes."  
  
Wesley: "Whom."  
  
Spike: "Already pre-ordered my copies of the tape."  
  
Buffy: "You're going to do to me what you did to Cordy, although I'm sure I'll have a better time than she did."  
  
Kennedy: "And he'll be doing it to me too, right?"  
  
Anya: "Where should we be filming this?"  
  
Willow: "Ah-ha! I knew you weren't gay!"  
  
Kennedy: "Well neither are you!"  
  
Willow: "I'm just open to new things. And at least I can pull it off  
  
convincingly."  
  
Faith: "Your legs are open you mean."  
  
Willow: "Anytime you wanna go Faith, I'm ready."  
  
Faith: "As soon as I'm sure B won't rabbit on us I'm ready."  
  
Anya: "Rabbit!"  
  
Anya jumps into Angel's arms. She gets odd looks from the LA crew.  
  
Willow: "It's just a thing she does."  
  
Connor: "Like how Fred turns into a newt?"  
  
Lorne: "Yes, just like that."  
  
Rona: "She turns into a newt?"  
  
Angel (to Anya): "Hi there."  
  
Lorne: "You know, I'm a pacifist demon but I'm ready to kill Connor."  
  
Anya: "You're large and glowery. Can you protect me from the bunnies?"  
  
Buffy: "Don't you hurt him!"  
  
Angel: "Yes, I'll protect you from the bunnies."  
  
Anya: "Can you also give me orgasms?"  
  
Angel: "I would, but I'd lose my soul."  
  
Anya: "Oh. Do you need it badly?"  
  
Spike: "I'll take care of that other part for you, ducks."  
  
Angel: "I'm kind of attached to it."  
  
Anya: "Okay Spike, maybe it's like father like son? If it is then I've already had you."  
  
Spike: "Then that means Buffy's had Connor."  
  
Spike: "Well, grandfather, actually."  
  
Buffy: "I will as soon as you all let me up."  
  
Everybody un-tackles Buffy  
  
Buffy: "Fine, but I'm filming this myself. Come along Connor."  
  
Connor: "What're we going to do?"  
  
Buffy: "You'll see."  
  
Kennedy: "Can I come?"  
  
Cordy: "Not from Connor:"  
  
Buffy: "Only if you help yourself, cuz I ain't doin it."  
  
Connor: "She looks sad, can she join us?"  
  
Buffy: "Fine, she can come."  
  
Kennedy: "Yes!"  
  
Buffy, Connor and Kennedy go upstairs  
  
Cordy: "This won't take long."  
  
Willow: "Xander must really be taking his time with Dawn. I bet she feels special."  
  
Cordy: "Is that regret in your voice?"  
  
Fred: "They're lucky, only having to share with one other girl."  
  
Willow: "Yes. I wish he'd been my first. Not that Oz was bad, but... wow."  
  
Faith: "More the merrier isn't the rule, I could go with some one on one time with X."  
  
Fred: "Oz was the werewolf, right?"  
  
Cordy: "Let me guess, only liked it doggy style?"  
  
Anya: "Do you suppose I should have singular and group rates for Xander?"  
  
Willow: "How'd you know?"  
  
Cordy: "You mean it's true?"  
  
Faith: "Might be a good idea Anya."  
  
Gunn: "Connor's not here. I don't have to hit anybody. Peaceful is nice."  
  
Spike: "Hey Anya, need a bouncer to make sure the girls behave themselves while waiting their turn with the Whelp? Or would you like to expand and have a stable of studs?"  
  
Buffy, Kennedy and Connor come back down.  
  
Gunn: "Damn."  
  
Buffy: "Okay, so not quite what I expected."  
  
Fred punches Gunn  
  
Fred: "You jinxed it."  
  
Connor: "Did I do something wrong?"  
  
Cordy: "Almost certainly."  
  
Kennedy: "That was nice."  
  
Odd looks to Kennedy  
  
Buffy: "Nice? It was tiny, and way too fast."  
  
Kennedy: "I was looking at Buffy, she was nice."  
  
Cordy: "See? You should try it out with Xander. He'll get ya good."  
  
Buffy: "I wish Connor were better, but since I had sex with him I have to date him now. And since he has a soul, and a pulse, I guess marry him too."  
  
Connor: "What's marry?"  
  
Gunn: "I'm not gonna touch that one."  
  
Spike: "It's everything she's dreamed of, in one nice little package."  
  
Cordy: "Little's right."  
  
Angel: "She couldn't stake me, couldn't stake you... What about the GI Joke."  
  
Willow: "She drove him to get fed on by Vamp whores."  
  
Spike: "Don't forget Parker, her one night stand that she obsessed over and stalked."  
  
Angel: "OH man! Buffy's going to be my daughter in law!"  
  
Everybody looks at him sympathetically.  
  
Spike: "Does that mean I've shagged my soon to be aunt?"  
  
Angel: "You know he's not just your uncle, right?"  
  
Fred: "Wait, wouldn't he technically be your great uncle, or great-great uncle?"  
  
Spike: "Yeah, also my bleeding great-uncle. How'd great grandmum Darla come back anyway?"  
  
Wes: "That would be right I depending on if you choose to go by his father or mother."  
  
Cordy: "Lawyers brought her back."  
  
Spike: "Lawyers? Evil."  
  
Angel: "Make us in our Scourge days look good."  
  
Andrew comes back down  
  
Buffy: "So I'll need an off-white dress, and it'll have to be a night time ceremony..."  
  
Andrew: "Does anybody have another tape?"  
  
Cordy: "So far off white it's black."  
  
Willow tosses Andrew a couple of blank tapes  
  
Buffy: "WHAT! They can't still be doing it!"  
  
Faith: "How's it going up there?"  
  
Willow: "Buffy, Xander can go for hours. And I'm sure both Dawn and Molly are   
  
enjoying themselves."  
  
Andrew: "Oh, it's definitely still going on. Xander's making sure they get a full defloweration. Found something Molly hadn't done yet."  
  
Willow: "Wish I had him to myself..."  
  
Rona: "Damn, something Molly hadn't done?"  
  
Cordy: "You will, in time. I'm sure we all will."  
  
Kennedy: "Dammit I thought you were mine."  
  
Faith backhands Kennedy  
  
Faith: Shut up."  
  
Gunn: "I'm liking her more and more."  
  
Andrew: "Well, Dawn was a little scared at first, and she gagged a bit when she tried to–"  
  
Buffy: "Enough!"  
  
Andrew (ignoring her): "But she got over it and now she's really having a lot of fun. It's sweet. And I'm not sure Molly will be able to sit for long periods of time when it's all done..."  
  
Wes: "It's going to be a while before we get that bomb story, isn't it?"  
  
Gunn: "Looks that way."  
  
Andrew; "Well, I think Xander's almost done breaking them in, but Dawn and Molly said they want to try it together. I have to go now, I'm missing too much."  
  
Andrew rushes upstairs holding the tapes.  
  
Buffy: "They want to try it together? My little sister!"  
  
Willow: "Who is actually taller and has much nicer curves."  
  
Buffy tries to rush the stairs again  
  
Faith and Cordy tackle her again  
  
Spike gets between the pile and the stairs  
  
Spike: "Let her go a minute."  
  
Faith and Cordy move  
  
Buffy rushes the stairs  
  
Spike: "I'm not letting you go up there."  
  
Buffy: "But you have a soul!"  
  
Spike: "That's it."  
  
Spike snaps Buffy's neck again  
  
Connor: "OH MY GOD YOU KILLED MY WIFE!"  
  
Kennedy: "YOU BASTARD!"  
  
Spike: "Didn't we already do a South Park joke?"  
  
Connor rushes Spike. Spike snaps Connor's neck too  
  
Everyone applauds.  
  
Willow: "Um, we don't know if he comes back like Buffy."  
  
Gunn: "Knowing our luck? He does."  
  
Spike: "Doesn't matter if he comes back."  
  
Angel: "Not that I'm complaining, but why'd you kill them instead of knocking them out?"  
  
Spike: "Because I have a soul. And my soul was bloody annoyed."  
  
Angel: "Good enough reason then."  
  
Dawn (off screen): "YES, YES OH DEAR SWEET LEAPING LORDS OF JESUS LUCIFER AND ANY OTHER FUCKING POWER USE THAT THING!"  
  
Willow: "Whoa. Must be that thing with his tongue."  
  
Faith, Cordy, and Fred nod  
  
Molly (off screen): "MORE MORE DAMMIT PUT THE WHOLE THING INNNNNNNNNNNNNN AHHHHHH OH OH OH YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS."  
  
Crashing sounds heard from upstairs  
  
Angel: "I don't think that was his tongue."  
  
Faith, Fred, Cordy and Willow grin  
  
Faith: "No, that was definitely not his tongue."  
  
Anya: "Oh! We can find that weapon that that demon used to split him in two! Two Xanders at once!"  
  
Faith, Fred, Cordy: "There were two?!"  
  
Willow: "No, but if one of them wears out and dies, then we have no Xanders."  
  
Anya: "Yes, there were two, but they wouldn't let me have fun with them. We modify it so they're both exactly alike, two exact copies! And we use them at the same time. Imagine how fulfilling, or just filling, that will be!"  
  
Willow: "Okay. Anya, you go find the Toth, and we'll wait here while you're gone. You know, to protect Xander."  
  
Anya: "But maybe we could get more than two, we could have many... No! You just want to keep me from my orgasms! Well, I'm not going, so screw that idea."  
  
Wes: (translated) "Chao-Ahn, you don't want to have sex with Xander too, do you?"  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "The muscular one who fixes things is hot and virile looking, but I prefer a man who can understand me so he can be a good bitch and do as his mistress says."  
  
Anya (translated): "Xander is nobody's bitch, not even Willow's."  
  
Wes: (translated) "Oh, well Mistress I'll do my best to please."  
  
Buffy: "I still can't believe you all want Xander."  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "You'll be a very good bitch. That's why I take you over the muscular fixer."  
  
Xander and Andrew came downstairs, followed by a limping Dawn and Molly  
  
Willow: "Dawn, sweetie, did you have a good time?"  
  
Dawn: "Wow..."  
  
Molly: "Damn, I've been fucked but this time... I was FUCKED."  
  
Xander: "I aim to please."  
  
Molly: "And you were nice enough not to aim for my eyes."  
  
Xander: "Well it's rude to hit the eyes without permission."  
  
Dawn: "I didn't know you could aim something like that."  
  
Willow: "We had target practice last night."  
  
Cordy: "He can hit the back of my throat from ten paces."  
  
Faith: "Dawn you have a little something on the corner of your mouth..."  
  
Faith leans over and licks up the white stuff then gives Dawn a kiss  
  
Faith: "Oh I remember this taste."  
  
Dawn: "Damn, I wanted that."  
  
Xander is sitting on the stairs, panting  
  
Xander: "Hey, what happened to Buffy and Deadboy, Jr.?  
  
Faith: "Well, next time I get X I'll save you a taste... Wait, do you like Twinkies?"  
  
Dawn: "Sure I like Twinkies..."  
  
Spike: "Oh, I killed them. Should be back any minute."  
  
Faith: "Next time X has me maybe you could go for my creamy filling."  
  
Xander nods, and drifts off to sleep, leaning against Willow."  
  
Dawn: "Oh, I think I could go for that.  
  
Molly: "There room for two in that?"  
  
Faith: "I'm sure there'll be enough for you both… Damn, he fell asleep before I could find out when my turn was."  
  
Anya: "Perhaps we should make up a schedule, so we know who gets him when. And we can sign up for multiple partners."  
  
Willow: "Good thinking. But Faith and you don't get any solo times for awhile, you've both had him solo before."  
  
Faith: "Hey, I only had him once, I shouldn't have to wait so long!"  
  
Willow: "Well, okay, but I've been waiting the longest, I get first dibs on alone time."  
  
Molly: (to Dawn) "Is your ass whistling when you walk too?"  
  
Dawn: (to Molly) "Phew, it's not just me. Yeah, if I move fast I can change notes."  
  
Faith: "Fine then, you get him first."  
  
Cordy: "I get him second, I waited the longest next."  
  
Willow: "You had your chance and blew it, so no."  
  
Cordy: "I wish I'd blown it, but I didn't. I'm after you."  
  
Angel: (to Wes) "Think this could lead to another catfight?"  
  
Willow: "What am I saying, why do I care? As long as I'm first."  
  
Wes: (to Angel) "I think Willow just defused it."  
  
Gunn: "Damn."  
  
Lorne: "Would have been nice to see, especially with fresh meat."  
  
Buffy wakes up sees Xander  
  
Buffy: "JACKASS!"  
  
Xander wakes up  
  
Xander: "Shit!"  
  
Buffy lunges at Xander, but Dawn and Molly tackle her  
  
Dawn: "NO! Don't hurt our Xander!"  
  
Buffy: "But he violated you!"  
  
Dawn: "I wanted him to, and I loved it! So what?  
  
Molly: "I violated her too."  
  
Buffy tries to attack Molly. Molly kicks her in the head  
  
Spike: "Snap her neck pet, it's very satisfying."  
  
Connor wakes up and groans  
  
Gunn: "Damn, I was hoping he wouldn't revive."  
  
Buffy rushes over to comfort her husband-to-be  
  
Angel: "If they start making out in front of me, I'm staking myself"  
  
Wesley motions to Gunn and they walk over to the weapons cabinet  
  
Spike: "Won't work, Peaches. I've tried."  
  
Gunn: (away from everyone else so no one can hear)"When did you start keeping a gun in the weapons cabinet?"  
  
Wes: (away from everyone else so no one can hear) "Doesn't matter, I think it'll work better than a crossbow. If Connor or Buffy annoy us again, I saw we shoot them."  
  
Gunn: (away from everyone else so no one can hear) "I'm all kinds of behind that."  
  
Gunn and Wes return to the group with their guns safely hidden behind their back  
  
Buffy (to Connor): "Come on honey, let's go practice some more so that you can eventually finish the job."  
  
Connor: "What job?"  
  
Gunn reaches for his gun  
  
Buffy: "Giving me an orgasm."  
  
Wes: (quietly) "They're about to leave, let them."  
  
Connor: "Oh. I'm supposed to give you one during sex?"  
  
Buffy: "It's kind of the point."  
  
Connor: "Oh. No one told me. I think I can do that."  
  
Buffy and Connor run upstairs.  
  
Cordy: "He needed to be told?"  
  
Angel: "I want to reiterate that I didn't raise him."  
  
Spike: "Who the fuck did raise him?"  
  
Wes: "Holtz."  
  
Spike: "That ponce? No wonder."  
  
Angel: "What do you mean?"  
  
Spike: "That wanker was a fucking Puritan, women weren't meant to get pleasure from sex. Of course he isn't going to raise a kid to do it."  
  
Cordy: "Well fuck me..."  
  
Angel: "He already did."  
  
Spike: "Is that a proposition, luv?"  
  
Kennedy: "Hey, wait up!"  
  
Kennedy rushes after Buffy and Connor  
  
Cordy: "Who am I, Buffy? No, you're undead."  
  
Angel: "Hey!"  
  
Cordy: "Well, but he's pale, and you're, somehow, remarkably tanned for a vampire."  
  
Fred: "So Connor may actually be good in bed, he just had to be told what he was supposed to do? Poor Cordelia, if she'd just said what she wanted she may not have been so frustrated."  
  
Angel: "I bit George Hamilton one night, since then I've always had a tan."  
  
Spike: "Well, Slutty is upstairs with Kennedy and Connor, think it'll go any better this time?"  
  
Angel: "Let's hope he inherited a little of my skill, then Buffy will leave me alone."  
  
Faith: "Does anybody really care?"  
  
Angel: "I care, if he can't perform well it reflects poorly on me."  
  
Spike: "But you didn't raise him."  
  
Angel: "But some things should be genetic."  
  
Wes: "Am I ever going to hear about the bomb?"  
  
Willow: "That's a good point. We're all here now. Well, everyone that matters."  
  
Buffy (off screen): "Yes, yes, swirl that tongue, yes... AH, KENNEDY GET OFF ME"  
  
Everyone snickers  
  
Willow: "I guess Buffy isn't too happy about Kennedy? Huh, Kennedy wasn't good with me."  
  
Xander: "And we're, what, surprised?"  
  
Buffy (off screen): "Yes! More Connor, yes! Okay Kennedy, you're on me better now, not hurting my neck now just ease do*muffled*"  
  
Angel: "Does anybody else really not want to hear this?"  
  
Xander: "It's disturbing, but oddly engrossing."  
  
Spike: "I'm with the whelp."  
  
Kennedy (off screen): "YES LICK IT BUFFY YOU BITCH! YOU NASTY SLUT OF THE UNDEAD EAT A LIVE ONE!"   
  
Faith: "I could be interested. I wonder if she comes different than me?"  
  
Willow: "Okay, EW!" Willow mutters a silence spell to block the sounds  
  
Faith: "Hey, I wanted to hear that."  
  
Willow: "Kennedy orgasming is not something I want to hear ever again."  
  
Xander: "So in the end, Willow made the right choice."  
  
Willow: "You'd be the right choice in my end."  
  
Wes: (to Andrew) "Hello strange young man, um, what are you doing?"  
  
Dawn: "It's awkward, but feels nice after a while."  
  
Faith: "Let him recover before your end gets it."  
  
Gunn: "Can we please hear about that bomb now?"  
  
Andrew: "Oh, this? I'm making a mind control gun like the one Prince Isolder gave Leia as a dowry but that Han stole and used on Leia to keep her from marrying Prince Isolder and to kidnap her so she'd go off and fall in love with him in the book 'The Courtship Of Princess Leia.'"  
  
Xander: "Andrew, that book sucked."  
  
Willow (muttering): "Much like I could be doing now..."  
  
Andrew: "That book was very underrated because some fans didn't like romance."  
  
Wes: "I have to agree with Andrew, the book was actually pretty good. Much better than that Kevin J. Anderson tripe."  
  
Xander: "No one likes that KJA shit... Okay, maybe the 'Young Jedi Knights' stuff was cool, but only because Jaina and Tenel Ka were hot."  
  
Cordy: "And this geek is a stud, who'd have known?"  
  
Anya: "I know, geeks often don't get laid for years so have a good deal of time to learn   
  
the ins out outs of their bodies to better give orgasms later."  
  
Molly: "If that's the case then I'm really wanting to pop ol' Andrew there."  
  
Andrew: "We are strong in the ways of the sexual force."  
  
Wes: "WHAT ABOUT THE BLOODY BOMB?!"  
  
Molly: (to Dawn) "Want to test Andrew out?"  
  
Andrew: "My de-virgining is more important than the bomb!"  
  
Dawn: (to Molly) "I'm not as sore, guess it's a Key thing... Sure."  
  
Molly: "Well Andrew, you're in for a good time."  
  
Wes: "I want to know about the bomb, not about Andrew's virginity!"  
  
Xander: "Heh heh. I unlocked the Key."  
  
Dawn leans over and kisses Xander full on the mouth  
  
Dawn: "You certainly did, now I'm going to see how Andrew fits into it all."  
  
Andrew: "I don't know if I should, I mean, I want to, but is this how it should be? Maybe something romantic or..."  
  
Spike: "Don't be a ponce, go get your little self shagged."  
  
All the guys: "Show some balls, get laid."  
  
Andrew: "Oh... okay."  
  
Molly and Dawn lead Andrew up the stairs  
  
Andrew: "I can't believe I'm about to have sex. "  
  
Wes: "So, now will you tell us about that bloody bomb?"  
  
Xander: "Nope, too many people missing."  
  
Willow: "How about you and me go missing for a while?"  
  
Cordy: "Me too!"  
  
Willow: "No! I get first dibs, remember?"  
  
Anya: "She's correct. We agreed."  
  
Xander: "But I can go for more than one--"  
  
Faith: "We didn't set a strict schedule, and it's Xander's choice."  
  
Willow: "NO! I want alone time!"  
  
Willow pouts  
  
Willow: "I want my Xander just for me, once."  
  
Xander kisses Willow on the forehead  
  
Xander: "You know I can't deny you anything. Come on."  
  
Cordy: "Faith, you know, we could just go watch... and then rotate when they're done."  
  
Faith: "And we could... play while they're working things out?"  
  
Cordy: "Absolutely."  
  
Faith and Cordy run upstairs. Gunn runs to the stairs  
  
Fred: "Hey!"  
  
Gunn: "Yeah. I think I have video privileges this time."  
  
Spike: "Lucky bastard."  
  
Wes (to Fred): "We could... have some fun, if you're up for it."  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "If you're propositioning her bitch, you better tell her she'll be my bitch too. Don't anger your Mistress."  
  
Gunn: "Yeah, go do that. I'll go tape. Have fun, baby!"  
  
Fred: "Charles! Oh fuck it. Okay Wes."  
  
Spike: "Anybody else think he just wants to watch Faith and Cordelia play?"  
  
Angel: "He'd be an idiot not to."  
  
Wes: "Fred, my Mistress wants to play with you as well..."  
  
Lorne: "I'm back from the Seven Eleven. What'd I miss?"  
  
Angel: "When did you leave?"  
  
Fred: "Oh, kinky. I'm for it, let's go."  
  
Lorne: "I slipped out while nobody was watching."  
  
Wes: (translated) "She's willing Mistress."  
  
Angel: "Oh. Well, weird things have happened, Andrew's getting laid right now"  
  
Chao-Ahn: (translated) "Good Bitch, let's go."  
  
Lorne: "Good for him (under breath) damn authors."  
  
Chao-Ahn leads Wes and Fred to a room  
  
Anya: "But I'm not getting any!"  
  
Rona: "Me either."  
  
Dawn (from offscreen): "OH THAT'S SOOO GOOD!!!"  
  
Spike: "Well fuck me, Nerdboy has skills."  
  
Willow (from offscreen): "OH THAT'S SOOO FUCKING AMAZING!!!"  
  
Spike: "But not quite the same skills, I guess."  
  
Anya: "You're a very nice looking token minority, perhaps we could play?"  
  
Rona: "Sure, I guess, but I'd like to have a guy too, no offense."  
  
Lorne: "Ladies, ladies, may I be of assistance?"  
  
Spike: "I'm a guy."  
  
Rona: "Which or both?"  
  
Anya: "Well, Spike is quite good. But I hear anagogic demons do good things with humming."  
  
Angel reaches into Spike's duster and grabs his cigarettes. he lights one and starts smoking  
  
Angel: "Goddamn curse."  
  
Spike: "Well, if you don't kill Red you can get some then get it back."  
  
Angel: "Don't tempt me."   
  
Anya: "Oh! I have some chains, we can lock you up and play with you. And if you get a happy, well, we're still safe!"  
  
Angel: "That could work."  
  
Rona: "Why don't we just stick with Lorne, and leave the undead to Buffy?"   
  
Anya: "Two words. Rigor Mortis."  
  
Angel: "Bigot."  
  
Anya: "Fine, I'll take the vampires, you take the demon."  
  
Angel: "Damn you both I want to. But I just got my soul back, I want to keep it. I'll just stay out here and... play with the cigarettes."  
  
Spike: "Make sure not to give those back, then."  
  
Angel: "Fuck you dearly, childe of mine."  
  
Spike: "Grandchilde you poofter."  
  
Angel: "I'm not a poofter."  
  
Spike: "No, but my sire is."  
  
Angel: "Grand sire."  
  
Spike: "Whatever."  
  
Anya: "Are we going to have the sex now?"  
  
Spike: "You bet your arse."  
  
Spike, Anya, Rona and Lorne head to a room  
  
Angel: "My unlife sucks. Maybe I won't lose my soul if it's just my hand..."  
  
Angel looks around to make sure everyone is gone  
  
Angel: "Fuck it, I'll risk it..."  
  
Molly (from offscreen): "OH SHIT YES!!"  
  
Just as Angel is trying to work his leather pants down, Connor, Kennedy and Buffy come downstairs  
  
Angel: "Oh fuck."  
  
Angel yanks his pants back up, very uncomfortably  
  
Buffy: "Playing with the little guy, are you Angel?"  
  
Kennedy: "Where is everyone?"  
  
Connor: "What are you doing dad?"  
  
Angel: "They're off having sex with each other."  
  
Buffy: "EVERYBODY is having sex with each other?"  
  
Kennedy: "He was going to slap-box the one-eyed champ."  
  
Connor: "What?"  
  
Angel: ""Not everyone with each other, they're in groups of twos and threes and fours. Xander and Willow together, with eventually Faith, Cordy and Gunn. Lorne, Spike, Anya and Rona."  
  
Buffy: "What about Dawn?"  
  
Kennedy: "Flog the donkey?"  
  
Connor: "What donkey?"  
  
Angel: "Dawn's off with Andrew and Molly. From the sound of it Andrew's pretty good."  
  
Buffy: "DAWN IS WITH ANDREW??"  
  
Angel: "That's what I said, and it sounds like he's good."  
  
Kennedy: "Playing with Mrs. Rosy Palm and her five friends?"  
  
Buffy: "I'll kill him!"  
  
Connor: "Who's Mrs. Palm and what's with her friends?"  
  
Angel grabs Buffy  
  
Angel: "Buffy, you can't kill everyone who sleeps with your sister. If she's anything like you there'll end up a large body count."  
  
Buffy: "Hey!"  
  
Angel: "No offense intended."  
  
Connor: "Buffy wasn't pure?"  
  
Angel: "Besides, Xander is one of your best friends. You want to kill him? He made your sister feel very special today."  
  
Angel kicks Connor in the face  
  
Buffy: "Stop that he's my future husband!"  
  
Angel rolls his eyes.  
  
Angel: "Then train him better."  
  
Dawn (off screen): "DEAR GOD BOTH OF YOU KEEP IT UP, ALMOST ALMOST ALM...YES YES HOLY HANNAH SWEET BRIGID SWEET LEAPING JESUS RIGHT THERE!"  
  
Buffy: "Whoa."  
  
Kennedy: "I'll say."  
  
Angel: "That's Andrew and Molly doing that."  
  
Connor: "Who's Hannah?"  
  
Angel tries to kick Connor again  
  
Buffy: "Stop it Angel. And 'Hannah' is just part of an expression."  
  
Angel: "Oh for crying out loud!"  
  
Willow (offscreen): "OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMY XANDER YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!"  
  
Gunn (offscreen): "DAMN!"  
  
Buffy: "I think she is crying out loud."  
  
Kennedy: "Dammit, that was my Willow... Oh well, I have my Buffy now."  
  
Buffy: "Excuse me, your Buffy? And she was never your Willow, she's always been Xander's."  
  
Angel laughs.  
  
Kennedy: "Yeah, come on, you enjoyed it and felt what I felt."  
  
Buffy: "You were very nice, but I'm marrying Connor."  
  
Kennedy: "We can move to Utah, he can marry us both and we can share everything."  
  
Angel: "Dear God."  
  
Angel tries to stake himself  
  
Buffy slaps the stake out of his hand  
  
Buffy: "Stop that! And they can really do that?"  
  
Angel: "Maybe I should have sex with Dawn."  
  
Kennedy: "Sure they can, they're Mormons. They do crazy shit like that."  
  
Buffy stakes Angel. Angel poofs and unpoofs.  
  
Angel: "Damn, Spike was right."  
  
Connor: "Is that supposed to happen?"  
  
Angel punches Connor  
  
Buffy: "Stop that!"  
  
Connor: "Ow. Is coming back from a staking a side effect of having a soul?"  
  
Angel: "Oh shut up you stup... er... Actually that's a good question. Fuck."  
  
A door slams and Molly, Dawn and Andrew come limping down the stairs  
  
Andrew: "This is the greatest day of my life."  
  
Dawn: "Pretty damn good for me too."  
  
Buffy rushes over and punches Andrew, but it's slightly deflected by Molly trying to block so Andrew doesn't get killed  
  
Molly: "Definitely one of my top ten."  
  
Andrew: "Ow! What was that for?"  
  
Buffy: "You violated my sister!"  
  
Dawn: "And I liked it!"  
  
Andrew: "She was already well violated... I just added my touch to it."  
  
Molly: "And he has a very good touch at that."  
  
Dawn: "Almost as good as Xander... but not quite."  
  
Andrew: "It was my first time!"  
  
Xander and Willow come down the stairs.  
  
Angel: "Where's Faith, Cordy and Gunn?"  
  
Molly: "Andrew mate, I've fucked guys with years of experience who weren't as good as you were just starting."  
  
Xander: "They, ah... got held up."  
  
Andrew: "Oh."  
  
Angel: "I really hate you all."  
  
Xander: "Wait, did I hear you say Andrew was good?"  
  
Dawn: "He's really good Xander, not at your level but he has potential."  
  
Andrew: "But I'm not the best. Xander, will you be my Yoda?"  
  
Xander: "Too old to teach, would some say. Much raw potential, I see in you. Teach you I will."  
  
Willow sits down slowly  
  
Willow: "Man, my ass hurts."  
  
Dawn: "Doesn't it though? But it's a good hurt.  
  
Molly: "Oh, teach him that thing with your tongue! Oh, and Xander, he does this thing with his fingers in combination with his tongue you might want to learn."  
  
Buffy: "DAWN!"  
  
Xander: "So he has something I could learn? Excellent, always happy to add new talents."  
  
Dawn: "Buffy, go let Xander do your ass, then you'll understand."  
  
Buffy: "NO!"  
  
Connor: "Hey, she's my wife. Her ass is mine to do."  
  
Xander: "Ah, come on Buffster. I guarantee you'll love it."  
  
Buffy: "Hey! Er... Excuse us."  
  
Willow: "You really will."  
  
Angel (muttering): "If he's that good I'd almost let him do my ass."  
  
Angel gets odd looks  
  
Angel: "That was my demon talking. Neither of us has gotten laid since Darla..."  
  
Angel gets more odd looks  
  
Angel: "I'm too fucking horny right now, you can all just go to hell. Damn I miss that tight bitch."  
  
Connor: "That's my mom!"  
  
Angel: "Why do you think I fucked her?"  
  
Andrew: "So, um, you're like, into experimenting?"  
  
Connor decks Angel  
  
Andrew gets odd looks.  
  
Angel gets up, vamped  
  
Angel: "Wrong move, boy!"  
  
Buffy punches them both  
  
Dawn: "Andrew, you can play for the other team but you damn well better come back to play my side, understand?"  
  
Buffy: "Stop! Connor, come with me. You're going to show Xander how a real man takes a woman in the ass."  
  
Xander: "I'd rather not watch."  
  
Molly: "Definitely, you take yours to the other side fully it's a loss to us."  
  
Willow laughs  
  
Andrew: "I'll always be open for you two."  
  
Willow: "If Deadboy Jr. is half as good as Xander, you'll be happy."  
  
Kennedy: "I'm not going with them for this, I had enough sodomy when I was in that all boys school."  
  
Everyone looks at Kennedy  
  
Kennedy: "I mean..."  
  
Andrew: "You're a boy!?"  
  
Kennedy: "No! Not technically."  
  
Dawn: "Transsexual?"  
  
Willow: "I was doing a transsexual!?!"  
  
Kennedy: "NO! Fine, I was born a *muffled*"  
  
Everyone: "A WHAT?!"  
  
Kennedy: "A HERMAPHRADITE!"  
  
Everyone: "Oh."  
  
Willow: "EWWWWWWW!!!"  
  
Kennedy: "After I grew tits in school I figured I'd be a girl... so I had my dick filed down to clit size."  
  
Xander, Angel and Andrew: "OW!"  
  
Xander: "I think my dicks broken from the thought of that..."  
  
Willow, Dawn and Molly: "NO!!"  
  
Angel: "Suddenly the curse doesn't seem so bad."  
  
Angel: "Um, let's not talk about Kennedy and how it used to be Kenneth."  
  
Kennedy: "How'd you know that's what my name was?"  
  
Angel: "Anyway! Um, oh, Andrew, that mind control gun going to work you think?"  
  
Spike and Anya return  
  
Angel: "Aw, did Spikey have a hair trigger?"  
  
Anya: "No, he performed quite well, but I wanted to find some nice whipped topping to use."  
  
Spike: "She stopped mid way through... she really is a vengeance demon."  
  
Anya: "Ex, I just know how to prolong the fun."  
  
Xander: "Okay, really don't want to think about that."  
  
Spike: "I'm a little prolonged myself right now."  
  
Anya: "Well if you weren't so busy I'd be doing you."  
  
Xander: "I don't even want to think about sex for at least another ten minutes."  
  
Anya: "Okay, I can wait ten minutes."  
  
Spike: "Dammit, what about me?"  
  
Anya: "You can take care of that yourself."  
  
Angel laughs at poor pitiful Spike  
  
Spike: "Bugger this, I'm leaving to find a woman willing."  
  
As Spike reaches the door, it opens and a yummy brunette/redhead enters  
  
Spike: "Well hello there."  
  
Amy: "Um, hi. I'm Amy... I'm here looking for Angel, I'm wanting to try and find redemption, I've been bad."  
  
Willow sees who it is and curls into Xander. Xander holds her close  
  
Amy doesn't see past Spike  
  
Spike: "You've been bad? Well I want redemption too... Wanna see if we can find it together?"  
  
Amy: "I guess."  
  
Spike: "So what is your pleasure, what do you like to do?"  
  
Amy: "Oh I don't know. Play chess. Screw."  
  
Spike: " Well, let's screw then."  
  
Amy: "Fine with me."  
  
Amy and Spike rush upstairs without looking at anyone else.  
  
Angel: "Now that's just unfair."  
  
Willow: "Huh, didn't see that coming."  
  
Andrew: "Um... so, Angel... are you experimental?"  
  
Kennedy: "I am."  
  
Andrew: "Oh, maybe if I get my mind control gun working I can make it so you don't lose your soul."  
  
Angel: "Right about now, I'd do anything to get a happy. Go for it."  
  
Andrew blasts Angel with his mind control gun. Angel looks around and smiles at Andrew.  
  
Xander: "That wasn't a mental image I needed."  
  
Angel: "You're kind of cute you know that Andrew?"  
  
Dawn (smiling): "I didn't mind it so much."  
  
Andrew: "Eep! I had it set on love slave!"  
  
Angel moves next to Andrew, accidentally setting off the gun and shooting Kennedy  
  
Kennedy: "Oh Andrew, you really are rather cute..."  
  
Andrew: "Help!"  
  
Molly: "Take it like a man, take it up the ass and just have fun!"  
  
Andrew is dragged kicking and screaming upstairs by Kennedy and Angel  
  
Dawn: "He'll enjoy it."  
  
Molly: "Oh yeah, guys getting buggered is supposed to feel better than girls. Something about the prostate."  
  
Xander: "Now don't you girls get any ideas about buggering me."  
  
Molly: "But Xander, you had our asses... you should let us have a go."  
  
Xander: "Sorry, this ass is penetration free."  
  
Dawn: "Yeah, it's only fair. You took my cherries, I should get one of yours..."  
  
Willow: "I'm with the girls, you should get played with too."  
  
Anya: "But it was fun for me, though."  
  
Anya: "I always wanted to try his ass but he was too uptight."  
  
Molly smiles sexily at Xander  
  
Willow put on her resolve face  
  
Anya smiles her kooky smile  
  
Dawn pouts  
  
Xander: "Dammit, you're ganging up on me. This isn't fair!"  
  
Girls keep it up  
  
Xander: "Fine, fine, my ass is yours."  
  
Girls: "Yay!"  
  
The girls haul Xander up the stairs  
  
Xander: (muttering while being dragged away) "Should have just told them about the stupid bomb."  
  
* * *  
  
THE NEXT MORNING  
  
Molly, Dawn, Anya, Willow, Faith, Cordelia, Buffy, Rona, Chao-Ahn, Fred, Wesley and Xander are all sitting very carefully on their violated behinds.  
  
Gunn and Lorne are sitting comfortably, thanking the Powers That Be that their asses, literally, were spared...  
  
Connor was wondering what was wrong with everyone  
  
Spike and Amy come downstairs happily, until Amy sees everyone  
  
Amy: "Oh, um, hi."  
  
Willow cringes  
  
Amy: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that... I was being controlled... there was this Noxon demon..."  
  
Spike: "That bitch gets around."  
  
Willow: "It wasn't you?"  
  
Amy: "No, I was being controlled, I'm so sorry..."  
  
Willow: "Oh... Okay, if it wasn't you..."  
  
Willow and Amy hug  
  
Amy: "The demon didn't understand why you all wanted me de-ratted, so she made me evil for some reason to hurt you. Also, though, I think it's kind of weird how I barely knew magic when I turned myself into a rat, but then I came out and could just do things with a flick of my wrist."  
  
Xander: "It's okay, I think I speak for all of us who know you, when I say it's okay.  
  
Amy: "Thank you."  
  
Spike: "That's good. And she's mine."  
  
Amy: "I am?"  
  
Spike: "Dead cert, but we can play with others with prior knowledge."  
  
Amy: "I'm okay with that."  
  
Xander: "Um, where's Andrew, Kennedy and Angel?"  
  
Willow: "They're still upstairs, I think."  
  
Spike: "Oh hell, don't tell me the poofter's going to go and lose his soul."  
  
Molly: "Hopefully not, Andrew was trying something."  
  
Xander: "The mind control gun from that Star Wars book."  
  
Buffy: "Shouldn't somebody go check?"  
  
Wes: "Oh, like that will work."  
  
Angel saunters down stairs with blood on his lips  
  
Buffy and Faith hop up, ready to fight. They wince a little.  
  
Dawn: "I don't think we have to check."  
  
Dawn: "Please don't say you killed Andrew."  
  
Willow: "I think I need an Orb of Thesula."  
  
Molly: "If you hurt Andrew I'll rip your balls off and shove them down your throat and rip your dick off and shove it so far up your ass it's hitting your balls!"  
  
Amy: "Oh, I've got one. I use it as a paper weight, but I have it in my bag for no apparent reason."  
  
Everyone looks at Molly a little fearfully.  
  
Willow: "That's good."  
  
Angelus: "No, I didn't kill Andrew... he was too cute, lying there... And he was so good in bed. That mind control didn't last long, so he got to see some real fun from me..."  
  
Spike: "Told you he was a poofter."  
  
Angelus: "You'd know, Spikey-boy."  
  
Willow: "Oh, wait, what about Kennedy?"  
  
Angelus: "Ate the bitch."  
  
Xander: "Which way?"  
  
Angelus: "Both. After she was… done… I drained her and hacked her body into little pieces and scattered them out the windows."  
  
Connor: "KILLER!"  
  
Dawn: "But Andrew's okay?"  
  
Angelus: "Your little playmate is fine. I didn't harm a hair on his head... but his  
  
ass... was very nice."  
  
Molly: "You better not have hurt his ass!"  
  
Angelus: "I gave as good as I got."  
  
Willow begins to chant the restoration spell  
  
Angelus: "Ah fuck it, I got laid, restore old Soulboy, let him linger in my memories."  
  
Spike snaps Connor's neck before he can stake his father.  
  
Buffy: "Spike! You killed Connor!"  
  
Spike: "Oh, quit your whining, he'll be back in a minute."  
  
Angel: "Oh, I'm back... damn that was good sex.... Andrew... wow..."  
  
Andrew staggers downstairs.  
  
Andrew: "That was fun! But, um, what happened to Kennedy?"  
  
Angel: "I went evil and killed her."  
  
Andrew: "Oh. Bummer."  
  
Willow: "Good riddance I say."  
  
Buffy: "But hey, we were going to go to Utah and both marry Connor... oh well, more Connor for me.  
  
Xander: "Again an image I don't need."  
  
Rona: "About time that bitch died."  
  
Molly: "Amen."  
  
Dawn: "Yeah, she was horrible."  
  
Xander stands up and stretches.  
  
Rona puts an arm around Gunn  
  
Rona: "Us tokens should stick together."  
  
Gunn: "I'm all for it, as long as I can play around."  
  
Rona: "Same for me."  
  
Xander: "Okay! Who wants waffles?"  
  
Lorne: "Damn, I need someone who's just mine..."  
  
Everyone: "Waffles!"  
  
A green-skinned girl in a very revealing outfit fell out of the sky  
  
Xander and Andrew: "Oola!"  
  
Everyone looked at them   
  
Andrew: "From Star Wars Episode Six, Return of the Jedi"  
  
Oola: "Green skinned, horned demon. You I like."  
  
Lorne: "Seems like some stupid plot device, but hey, works for me."  
  
Wes: "Now Xander about that bomb?"  
  
Xander: "Okay, I'll tell you all the story about the bomb over breakfast, okay?"  
  
Everyone: "Finally"  
  
The whole group got up and walked towards the kitchen, but Xander held Andrew back for a minute  
  
Xander: "Don't you love the nipple showing mesh on Oola?"  
  
Andrew: "Oh yeah, I love it."  
  
Xander (smiling): "Maybe we can play with her lekku later. You have much to learn,  
  
grasshopper. There is much I can teach you."  
  
Andrew: "That sounds like fun, but I'm really hungry right now."  
  
Xander: "Yeah, sex'll do that. Let's go."  
  
They walked towards the kitchen and saw Wes waiting for them.  
  
They didn't notice, then, as a portal opened beneath them and sucked them in.  
  
Wes: "Fuck! No!"  
  
Wes ran over to where the portal had been, but no longer was.  
  
Everyone came out of the kitchen.  
  
Faith: "What happened?"  
  
Wes: "Xander and Andrew fell through a portal."  
  
Most of the girls: "NOOOOOOO!"  
  
Most of the girls again: "No more hot sex!"  
  
Angel: "I'm going to stock up on orbs."  
  
Spike: "I think the rest of us will get a lot of us."  
  
Gunn: "I'll miss them, but I won't complain."  
  
At that moment, one red-headed bass guitarist named Daniel Osborne, or Oz to his friends, walked into the hallway.  
  
Oz: "Huh. Did I miss something?"  
  
Everyone looked at him, as Wesley stood there shaking his head.  
  
Wes: "Dammit, now I'll never find out about that bloody bomb."  
  
Oz: "You mean when Xander saved the world?"  
  
Everyone stared at him.  
  
Oz: "What?"  
  
~END~ 


End file.
